The article was about premiere leage football (soccer) or something, but peppered in were these Hatton lines. Funny as hell. Had nothing to do with the article, but funny...

"I had a girlfriend leave me for a midget once. I never thought anyone would stoop that low."


"He measured me pants, measured me jacket, measured me from top to bottom. 'Ricky,' he said, 'you're a Mark F.' I said, 'What's a Mark F?' He says, 'It's a size up from a marquee.'"


"So I got the Hoover out, went round the settee, round the coffee table, round the fireplace, and as I was going round the telly I accidentally caught it with the Hoover, and Ronaldo fell over in the box."


"'Billy, I can't get him, he's pulling away and I'm swinging and swinging. What d'you think I should do?' He says, 'Keep swinging, Rick, hopefully the draught will give him pneumonia.'"

"She's frightening, my mum. Scary. Her Rice Krispies in the morning don't go, 'Snap, crackle, pop', they go, 'Ssshhh, she's fuckin' coming.'"

Such a cad.