LOL... please tell me you got that from someone else and you're not responsible for this.

I really would have been funny if Jill Gilles finally got so frustrated she just said "I'll pay for the fucking thing, just stop e-mailing me"

> Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service
>
> Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Leith
> police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the
> idea and try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as
> to pass this meassage on to your colleagues in Leith by means of
> smoke signal, carrier pigeon or ouji board.
>
> As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical
> experiments (I think you call them youths) in West Cromwell Street
> which is just off Commercial Street in Leith. Six of them seem happy
> enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an
> iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth
> shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building. This
> game is now in it's third week and as I am unsure how the scoring
> sytem works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.
>
> The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through
> several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so
> thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a
> saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I
> fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited
> attention to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on it's side
> between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their
> own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would
> even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortuneatly they are
> far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just
> finished decorating the kitchen.
>
> What I suggest is this. after replying to this e-mail with worthless
> assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt
> with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath
> night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a
> panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again.
> This will of course serve no ther purpose than to remind us what
> policemen actually look like.
>
> I trust that when I take a clawhammer to the skull of one of these
> throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month
> head start before coming to arrest me.
>
> I remain sir, your obedient servant
> ?????????
>
>
> -- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>
> Mr ??????,
>
> I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the
> problems caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you
> have encountered in trying to contact the police.
>
> As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend
> an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.
>
> Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details
> (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.
>
> Regards
>
> PC ???
> ?????????????
> Community Beat Officer
>
>
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>
> Dear PC ?????
>
> First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my
> original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record
> for Leith Police station and rest assured that I will forward these
> details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.
>
> Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has it's own
> community beat officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on
> your covert skills. In the five or so years I have lived in West
> Cromwell Street, I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have
> you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the
> one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a
> chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before
> you are headhunted by MI5.
>
> Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking
> place in Leith such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim
> without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman
> to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to
> these tw@ts that they might want to play their strange football game
> elsewhere. The pitch behind the Citadel or the one at DKs are both
> within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Albert Dock.
>
> Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free
> to contact me on ??? ????. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to
> answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Compass Bar.
>
> Regards
???????


P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you
don't work for the cleansing department.

The legendary David Thorne in another gem...