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Keith Pratt
Ask anyone what the worst thing in the world is, and they'll tell you war, disease or famine. But not according to scientists from the University of Budapest. They've discovered that the worst thing in the world is actually a paper cut on your bell-end.

The five man team led by Professor Namoff Reszla researched the problem for over a decade before publishing their conclusions in the prestigious 'Nature' magazine.

"We subjected a succession of volunteer students to a wide range of horrible things, such as snapping their front teeth off with nail clippers and pulling back their big toes and sawing through the tendon bit underneath with a Stanley knife," said Professor Reszla. "We got laboratory rabbits to watch all the terrible things. Then we gauged how much they winced using a small wince-measuring probe inserted in the back of their necks."

In the experiment that got the most dramatic results, Professor Reszla drew a sheet of A4 typing paper sharply across a student's glans, leaving a 2cm paper cut.

"The rabbits' response was fantastic," he said. "The reading went off the scale. Rabbits which had shown a wince reaction of 30% when we cut someone's tongue up the middle with tinsnips were suddenly showing 95% or more. One rabbit winced so hard it broke its back. There was no doubt we had discovered the worst thing in the world."

But the study, which was commissioned by Bird's Angel Delight, has angered animal rights activists across the world. "We should not be exposing rabbits to this sort of barbarity. It's barbaric barbarism." fumed Ada Littlejohn of Nottingham.

"Why can't they get some of these murderers and paedophiles, put them into clamps and force them to watch someone getting a paper cut on his german helmet?"

Keith Pratt

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