What can I say about a boxing scene that is utterly uninteresting? Better yet, what can I write about when there’s, almost literally, nothing worth writing about?
I mean, I could go off-- again-- on the Saudis’ boxing takeover and the bootlickers (aka Turki Gobblers) who’ve thrown themselves on the flittering thobes of the murderous monarchy. But I’m quite enjoying the shitshow that the takeover has become and, right now, I’m sufficiently pleased that the suck-ass sellouts have tainted their professional reputations enough to make the taint stick.
I could also go “in depth” about the upcoming fights. But, to be honest, I don’t find any of the “big” ones all that interesting. Shakur Stevenson will make William Zepeda look sickly-- and put us all to sleep in the process. Pacquiao-Barrios-- who the fuck cares? I also find it a little hard to get excited for a rematch where one guy (Usyk) stopped the other guy (Dubois) the first time around with a not-so-stiff jab. Canelo-Crawford is alright, but neither is fighting the guy they SHOULD be fighting. Plus, it’s for the benefit of the Crown Prince, so fuck ‘em both.
I could go off on shit-head media people once again, but at some point doing that seems as productive as writing an editorial on how my dog pisses on the curtains when I leave him alone in the house. Rocky is who he is and pontificating on the whys and hows ain’t changing a thing. I just have to hike up the fucking curtains when I go out.
Needless to say, I was in a bit of a quandary when it came to what to write this week. Then, it hit me. I’ll just make some shit up and people DO love lists, right?
So, ladies, gentlemen, and cockeyed stalkers, I present to you the first-ever Magno’s Boxing Power Rankings!
Okay. This is just a ranking of boxing people I like, respect, and/or find entertaining. And, much like the Ring Magazine rankings, it’s assembled entirely according to my personal whims and prejudices at the time I’m assembling it. But, they are POWER RANKINGS nonetheless. Enjoy.
George Kambosos: I just enjoy honest, earnest fighters getting paydays and extending their careers (without endangering themselves). Kambosos has done just that, parlaying his big Teofimo Lopez win into several B-side paydays. He’s not a great fighter, but he’s good and, when all is said and done, he’s gotten the kind of paydays that should keep him from post-boxing financial disaster (crossing fingers). That’s a very good kind of boxing win.
Emily Pandelakis Girten: A great publicist, but also just a really good and decent human being. You have to cherish people like her in this sport.
Raging Babe: Honestly, I don’t know her and I’ve never spoken with her. I’m basing this ranking entirely on one tweet, the one where she utterly emasculated Edgar Berlanga in just a few brutal sentences. I mean, how can you not like: “Turning a lopsided loss to Canelo into a victory parade tour, is not a flex” and “Keith Connolly is the real MVP of your career?” That’s some quality hate there.
Bob Arum: I like Arum a lot more in his current role as a somewhat-out-of-it elder statesman who just doesn’t give a fuck. His recent quotes blasting Canelo as a “businessman” and Turki Alalshikh for choosing a non-boxing promoter to promote boxing’s supposed biggest fight are among just a few recent gems. Arum has become the crotchety grandfather telling the ugly truth at the Thanksgiving dinner table.
The New Super Secret Copy Editor At Ring Magazine: The only fun part of going to the New Era Saudi-owned Ring Magazine used to be checking out the humorous typos and grammatical errors, wrapped around clunky wording and amusing errors in fact and/or logic. The recent hiring of an actual copy editor has pretty much eliminated all of that sideshow fun, thereby making it utterly unnecessary to visit the site at all. That’s an extra 15-20 free minutes I can use playing Tower Defense games on my phone. Thanks, Turki!
Caleb Plant: I just like the guy, what can I say? He speaks his mind, is a bit of an asshole, and usually puts on good shows in the ring. That makes him top tier to me.
Keyshawn Davis: I was always kind of high on him, but I honestly didn’t see what all the “next-level” fuss was about. Well, he’s shown me. He’s fought his way to star status and, unlike so many other boxing “stars” these days, actually seems to understand that entertainment is part of the stardom deal.
David Benavidez: I have nothing bad to say about Benavidez, how he fights, who he fights, or how he conducts himself in or outside the ring. That, in and of itself, makes him noteworthy in my personal Magnoverse. He’s the kind of fighter that purist boxing fans claim they want, before they turn around and diss him and diminish his career because he’s a “PBC fighter.”
Al Haymon: The “in the shadows” boxing businessman is “Power Ranked” for just one reason-- because he pisses off so many idiots without ever saying a word. That’s a level of pissing-off-idiots efficiency I can only dream of having.
Got something for Magno? Send it here: paulmagno@theboxingtribune.com